As you may have seen, I am using the book “All are Free to Write” by Sheila Allee to help me to feel inspired to write. The fourth prompt is about forgiveness. I obviously am late on this one. I think it is because the first prompt is about writing a letter to someone you forgive. I think I know where I have to go with this one, but it is going to be hard.
Forgiveness is not always easy. It can be even harder when it is making you look at yourself. What do I need to forgive myself for? That is what this prompt asks. I am to write a letter to myself forgiving myself for anything that I need to:
Dear Me
I need to give you forgiveness for things that I did not know, but acted like I should have. I have held so much pain towards the past. I tried to be as caring and loving towards others as I could be, but sometimes I was not successful in that. I remember trying to protect my family from other family members because that is all I thought I could do and I forgive myself now for that. That lack of knowledge and understanding of the world. We live in the world that we live in and sometimes do not know any other way. That isn’t a reason to be mad at yourself. I held onto a lot of anger towards myself for not going out into the world, but I realize now that if I had the others may have gotten worse treatment and I know that I would have. I did the best I could with the information that I had. I was in my world and didn’t see any other existence. That is not your fault Little Me.
I need to forgive myself for choices that I had to make to survive. Hard decisions. Taking the state quarters from Granny to get away from that world. Having to resort to survival sex. Feeling like drugs were the only way that I could numb all the hurt. Turning to horrible people to try to have someone in your life. You are a kind person. You are caring. You have a beautiful heart and you shouldn’t lose that because of these hard decisions. I forgive you for having to make those decisions. You made them and survived.
I forgive you for choosing to leave people behind. For choosing sometimes to avoid forming relationships. That comes from a place of hurt. You care still about people that are not in your life because that is who you are. You form bonds in your heart, even when you no longer see or talk to someone else. This isn’t a flaw, but a beautiful part of your soul. Being secluded though has been a crutch to not allow other people to continue to hurt you, but it is time to move on from this. To move forward I have to let people in and trust them not to hurt me. I want to continue to thrive and form these relationships, but that means leaving this old you behind. I forgive you for this because it didn’t start with you, but now you are an adult and continued it. I forgive you for that part.
I forgive myself for all these things and so much more. They say hurt people hurt people, but the truth is this hurt person continued to hurt themselves. I felt worthless. I felt unhuman. I felt I didn’t deserve to be happy or okay. I forgive myself for feeling this way because it isn’t true. I deserve to be alive and I will learn to thrive despite it all. There is a beauty in this forgiveness. Let it all go and start anew.
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