TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Abuse (I do not usually do a trigger warning, but because of the nature of this activity, I want to make people aware of this so they can steer clear if they desire.)
As you may have seen, I am using the book “All are Free to Write” by Sheila Allee to help me to feel inspired to write. The fourth prompt is about forgiveness. I obviously am late on this one. I think it is because the first prompt is about writing a letter to someone you forgive. I think I know where I have to go with this one, but it is going to be hard.
Forgiveness is not always the easiest thing to do to people that hurt you. It can stir up a lot of emotions that one may have thought they had suppressed. I want to write this, but I am also not looking forward to it as I am sure it will trigger some emotional responses in me that I would rather not have to share. The good thing is that I do not have to share those parts, but I will share the letter. It is as followed:
Dear Him
I need to forgive you, not forget. I need to learn to let go, but it is hard when it comes to topics about innocence. It was stripped away from me by you. You took away a part of me that I will never be able to get back. You played it off originally that it was something innocent. We were just “crossing streams” in the bathroom. I did not know this wasn’t something normal, which you used against me. You told me not to tell anyone, but I eventually did. That person was confused when I mentioned it because it wasn’t something that should have happened. My brain tries to dissociate when I talk about these things and I blame you for that. This is another reason it is so hard to forgive you.
The way that I found out about it, which is the way it all resurfaced in my head was traumatic. Could you have found out that way? I don’t think you could have and been a happy person. You are a horrible human being, but you don’t think you are. Karma should get you one day, but it doesn’t seem like it will. You get to live in your miserable existence still and don’t care at all about the harm you have done to others, especially children. You are a sick individual. To see what I saw. To see those pictures. You are sick. There is no question about that. Only sick people do what you have done. Innocence lost because of a person that should have protected me. Someone that should have built me up, but instead you took the most precious things about life and distorted them in so many ways. It wasn’t enough that you took innocence in a very literal way, but you took also tore me down mentally. Things that you have said to me throughout my life, just to make me feel bad. Just to make me feel less than. They stuck with me and made me feel like that was who I am still to this day. I hope, at times, your brain tells you that you are horrible as well, so that you know how you made other people feel in life.
Forgiveness doesn’t come easy, but I realize it isn’t for you, it is for me. If I hold onto this anger and pain from all these things. All these things you did. I will perish under their weight. I will stop breathing from choking on the smoke of the flames that would still be burning inside. I seethe every single day, but I don’t want that to be my reality. I need to forgive, but I will never forget that. Never. I forgive and release these hateful feelings from my body. I release these tears from my body. I release.
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