As you may have seen, I am using the book “All are Free to Write” by Sheila Allee to help me to feel inspired to write. The third prompt is about times that I have had to be courageous in my life. This prompt feels like it may be easier to write about than last weeks, trauma topic.
There are other times that I have had to be courageous in my life, which this one links up to one that I already shared in part. Today is about when I said:
Goodbye to San Francisco
When I left San Francisco, it was hard. I loved that city. Everything about it felt like a part of me. I loved that I could see different types of people and they all got to exist in this beautiful place. I remember staring at the ocean and knowing that I may never see it again when I had to make the hard and courageous decision to leave.
I was a drug addict when I left. I could see all the parts of my life falling apart, which is saying something when you were homeless and going in and out of programs for homeless people. I was literally feeling like any semblance of life was being torn apart. My ex would not stop hurting me. I was being told that I was about to age out of the program that I was in, so that I would need to move soon. There was nothing I could do. I remember applying for a scholarship for help to move, but got denied for that as well. I was trying so hard, but felt like everything was falling apart quickly. There were numerous days that I just cried. Ultimately though I knew I needed to leave this city that I loved, if I was going to live again.
I made a decision that I was going to go back home, but I would first go live with my sister. She said I could live with her and her husband. I did this. We worked out when I would be able to come, but like an idiot I actually brought the ex with me. I thought I could not move forward without him. It was stupid of me because it was a crutch of this old life from San Francisco that I was trying to keep in my life. I have done that a few times in my life. Keeping things from that period around.
We both came to Kentucky to try to start again, but I recall leaving everyone behind and feeling a n ache that I have never felt at any other time of my life. I can still see being up on the hills and looking out towards the horizon. Seeing asphalt dreams that were never going to be mine any more. I was not going to succeed in this big city and I was not going to live. I left and every day I miss that place, but I chose to live. I would be dead right now if I stayed in San Francisco. I would have continued to use drugs and I would be dead right now. I wouldn’t be on this planet.
In May of 2023, I will be going back to San Francisco for a week to visit. This time it is for real closure. It is for me to look at this city and tell it I love it and let it go. I will go back to those hills and look out again. This time though, I will know that it really is for the last time. I will not go back because it is time for these asphalt dreams to be put to rest and not to haunt me any more. Closure is important and this will be about closing that entire chapter of my life.
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