As you may have seen, I am using the book “All are Free to Write” by Sheila Allee to help me to feel inspired to write. The third prompt is about times that I have had to be courageous in my life. This prompt feels like it may be easier to write about than last weeks, trauma topic.
It states in this prompt that we should also consider things that we currently facing that we have to be courageous about, so this day’s prompt leans into that:
Choosing Me Takes Courage
One of the areas that has been a constant struggle in my life has been that I have often allowed other people to dictate what I am doing in my life. I have allowed other people to become more important than my own mind and what I know in my heart would be right for me. I have, in many areas of my life, went in the direction that other people thought I should be going in. I was sorta like a leaf that was blown in whatever direction that the wind (other people) took me in, without finding my own wind current. This has led to dissatisfaction within my life. This is disingenuous to myself is why. I keep forcing myself to live someone else’s life to make them happy. I should be helping them to be happy in their own life, so they don’t feel like they have to take my life and force it into whatever box they want for themselves.
It takes courage to stand up for yourself in life. I am just learning this. Other people are going to label you as intense or problematic. They just want someone that does what they say and doesn’t talk back. I have been experiencing that in some aspects of my work life. I am not going to mention what company or what time frame for this, as I do not want to point fingers at any one company. There has came a time in my career where I realized that I did not work well with a particular population. I had to tell the management and it became a much larger issue. I was told I was a problem. I was told that I was too much or intense. I was told that I should be happy I have employment. Here is the facts though, no one should just stay at an employer because they want employment. If 6 out of 7 days are truly hell on Earth for you, you should find a less impactful job for yourself. This is even true if you are not completely educated, like myself, and have to work in more labor intensive employment. You should definitely recognize that you have value and worth. You deserve to be around people that do not make you feel bad or like you would rather go home away from the world forever. Employers also have to learn that they have to treat the people that work for them better than they have in the past. We have to allow people to exist happily on this planet.
For me, happiness I have found is working with individuals that have a trauma history. I thrive in chaotic environments that push me to help others that thought they were beyond help. I work well with people that appreciate honesty and respect. These are my values and for a long time I did not recognize this due to my own trauma. I had to recognize that my desires are worth looking at. This has also become a thing at my current employer. I have been given 2 opportunities to look deeply inside of myself and reflect on authenticity in the last month. One was at a MEET and GREET with other behavioral health individuals. It was there that I recognized that I was at the level that I could choose a specialty or area of expertise that I wanted to be in. Before this, I had thought I just needed to find a job that paid well enough. Then after this I got to attend a special wellness retreat that forced us to look inward about areas of our lives. When I did this, I learned that many areas of my life were a lot lower than I wanted them to be. I realized it was because of authenticity related issues. I had learned to “be on” in a toxic way. I had learned to wear a mask that covers up who I am as a person existing on this planet and instead I present a face that discusses work life incessantly. There isn’t much more to my personality. I had become one thing. I was just work and nothing else. I wasn’t a book that I enjoyed reading. I wasn’t a person that goes places. I have stayed in this box of trying to survive by working and allowing only this one thing to identify my entire worldview. There were 8 dimensions that we rated and my highest area was finances because that is the area that I have put the most work into. It is representative of the issues in my life. I had to get to a place where I could survive, due to that previous homelessness, I had to fight hard to get here. The issue, while I was being courageous and fighting my way to being comfortable and able to survive, I forgot that I still have to exist on the planet as a happy person. I have to still exist and have other avenues and things going on in life to be happy. It is a struggle now that I recognize this and I am trying to be courageous again by finding myself. By this, I mean that I am realigning with my values. I am trying to find places that I could help others. I am looking for aspects of life to increase the other dimensions that were so low. I need to increase them to be a thriving and happy person. But the first part of all this is being courageous to recognize that I need that change and being able to voice it to people that may just think that I am being a problem or want me to just continue to stay where I am at.
I have to be strong now and powerful in my presence. I have recognize being courageous means making sure you are at the correct moment of your life and where you want to be. I am choosing to step into a path that is made by me, instead of a path that I notice that I have been pushed onto. No more trampled paths, instead I am going into the path that is carved by my own hands. Gotta get to the store and by a weed whacker though, since it has been so long since I have been on that one.
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