As you may have seen from Sunday, I am using the book “All are Free to Write” by Sheila Allee to help me to feel inspired and to write. The second prompt was about discussing trauma that you have gone through. I made a list of 5 traumatic experiences from my life or general trauma areas that have occurred within the scope of my life. I have also stated that I am going to be very honest during this week and these posts. This means that these posts may come together on the same day depending on how I am feeling writing about the trauma or they may come later on in the day depending how I am feeling.
I have struggled with this being the next area to write about this week. It is taking more time to write these then it did last week. I will also be doing an update for the physical abuse section as well because more information came to me that I remembered after the fact. I think this section came at the right time though. I am doing a lot of healing and even attended a very important retreat focused on well-being this week from my work, so it feel very organic for where I am in life right now.
I also realized I needed to reorder slightly the list. Due to this, the verbal abuse section is coming earlier and homelessness will come tomorrow. The second trauma area I am going to discuss is:
Verbal Abuse
Scars heal, words stay forever. I have heard this phrase said many times in my years on this planet. Man, do I ever agree. As you saw in my last post, I stated that I have processed and lived through my physical abuse. I don’t think of it very often, but the verbal abuse. The words said to me, I think about often. They still resonate and define parts of me as a human being right now typing this. I wish they didn’t, but I recognize fully and honestly that they do still define me in numerous ways.
I remember so many times being told that I am worthless, I am fat, that I will never amount to anything, and these horrifically evil words that no one should hear kept coming. These phrases and words were always said by my grandmother. I can recall her telling my biological sister and the cousin that I was raised with that I call SISTER FOR LIFE that they were sluts, even before they had sex. I heard these things regularly. I recall times were she forced me not to go out into the world because she would say things like no one wants to be my friend or that I did not deserve to go out. I had done nothing wrong, but exist. She would get mad at us four kids if we didn’t clean house for 4 hours a day. I would often do the dishes in the house to try to help protect from all the yelling she did. She was always yelling and screaming. It could be anything. The male cousin in the house would try to play video games for any amount of time and she would yell. I recall one time seeing her playing Tetris for HOURS upon HOURS and that was fine, but when the cousin did this, he was told he was lazy and a bad person. It was all so much to live in this type of world. She continued this throughout my entire childhood. From age almost 5 to age 19 when I left (more on that tomorrow).
The family I was raised in didn’t just resort to obvious verbal abuse, but they utilized manipulation and hurtful things to make you feel bad. I recall one time I was at her house and this was when I was slightly older, I was helping her get ready for a garage sale. I was taking time to help her and she says out of no where that “I knew you were gay when you were a kid and I wanted to change you. I tried so hard to change you, but it didn’t happen.” I was stunned. She was upset about it as well. I said, “Don’t you think you could have just loved me for me” and her answer was “No.” I don’t think I have ever shared that truth with anyone else on the planet. So often I tried to have the semblance of a normal family relationship or dynamic, but it never happened. It never occurred. It is hard in the present day because other people talk about their families and talk about these positive relationships or what they are doing with them, I don’t talk when they bring these things up. I get asked now that I am in a professional type of role “what did you do for (insert holiday) with your family?” and normally, I just say I stayed home, so that I don’t have to get into a bunch of things. People think I am trying to be rude, but it is because most of the time, I don’t want to talk about these things with them. It is still painful even at this age. It is still upsetting to think about those hurtful words.
My uncle was no better. I had two uncles. One watched what he said around us. He was never hurtful or mean on purpose towards me. He was the closest to being what I think family should be, but we were not that close because of my relationship with grandma. At least that is what I assume is the reason. The only time we seemed to get close was a brief period where I lived next door to him. He as a good guy. The other uncle though, man, not so much. So many things stem from him that are things that I have to become truthful about this week. He is the one person that I feel like I have had to keep secrets for for years. I remember having a swing in our backyard in one of the houses that I was raised in growing up. I was back there with him after getting that singing part in the local group Harmony Highlights and him asking me to sing. When I did, he then told me I was nothing special. I know I shared this already on here, but this was devastating to a small child still forming their identity. Instead of building me up, this family member tore me down. He did this a lot during life. He would say things that were manipulative in nature to make you feel bad. He had the gaslighting technique down to an art.
Manipulation is such a part of the overall narrative of my life. I was manipulated at times even by my dad, but his I am thankful for being less than other people. His started coming later on in life. He tried to connect ways that he could. He would try to utilize comic books primarily. It wasn’t until later on in life that I started to realize that he focused very much on his stuff and only things he enjoyed. I wouldn’t call him a true narcissist, but it was how he was comfortable expressing himself frequently. The only two times that I feel like he was verbally abusive was one time we were talking on the phone and I discussed that I was struggling because of trauma related to grandma, I had considered suicide at the time, and his response was “Gay people have to have drama.” I was gay and he knew this. He was using a fundamental part of myself against me. It stung because to that point, I always felt like he was better than that. Years later, is when the reading issues that I have discussed related to him occurred. He started using manipulation on me, which never was who he was. I am not sure what happened, but he is not the person I was raised around. He was such a positive force at one point. I remember him telling me NEVER to speak ill about my mom, even though they were divorced. He was kind. He doesn’t seem that way when I speak to him now. He seems mean, bitter, and worn out. I wish he wasn’t in my eyes, but he is and it makes having a relationship with him a challenge now. It reminds me too much of the person I was raised by and it causes me to just steer clear of him.
There have been other verbal abusive situations that I have been in. One person that I used to be with, often would tell me that I was a problem and that there was something wrong with me. He would state things like “Everyone I know thinks so. They tell me you are the problem.” The issue though was he could never provide an example. He could never tell me anything truthful about what I was doing and why it was bad. It was just gaslighting and manipulation as well. Man, I didn’t know it was so hard to tell these things and I feel like I am minimizing so much of what occurred and not being able to fully verbalize what occurred correctly. I think that is what happens with trauma though, some people get dissociative amnesia where the brain tries to push information away and as I write these things out, I can tell that my brain is trying to do that. It is trying to keep all the truths of my life away from me, so that I can’t process it and move on. Brains are weird that way.
I have to say thank you to the three other children that I was raised by because they never verbally attacked me or made me feel less than. While one did cause some other issues, they never made me feel bad through their words. I often think, in some weird way, we tried our best to build each other up. I definitely feel this way towards the cousin that I was raised with that was female. She and I at least had each other backs at times. I am thankful for them right now as I think back on all these things that I have been through verbally in this life.
HOW I FEEL AFTER: This was painful to relieve. I had known, obviously, about all the hurt this had caused. I had felt it in my heart for so long, but I never fully realized how much of an impact it has had on me until right now. My trauma has dictated how I am with other people for so many years. I do not trust fully because of it. I realize now I feel sadness. Overwhelming sadness for myself. That this was my life.
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