As you may have seen from Sunday, I am using the book “All are Free to Write” by Sheila Allee to help me to feel inspired and to write. The first prompt was about intentions for the next year and giving permission to do things. I made a list of 5 different things I want to give myself permission to do this year. I know I am technically starting this book in the month of February, but I think I can still work towards utilizing it appropriately.
The fifth and final INTENTION on my list is:
I want to embrace all the quirky things that make me who I am.
I feel like that for the vast majority of the time I have existed on this planet, people have said for me to be something else or told me how I should exist on this planet. I remember distinctly being told by a family member that they “were trying to change who I was.” When I heard this from this person’s mouth, I was floored. It wasn’t about building me up and helping me to find out who I am, it was become who they wanted me to be. This has went through my entire life. People just saying go in this direction and fit into the world where I tell you to be.
It has only been recently that I have stopped allowing other people to push me into the boxes that they want me to be in. This sounds silly, but one way that I have done this is through my choices in clothing. I used to love sweaters, turtleknecks, vests, and just weird fashion as a child. I am not back to the turtleknecks at this point because now I do not like them, but sweaters? HECK YES! I even have cardigans because I LIKE THEM. I am allowed to like things and not worry about if it makes me look like an old man. I have been learning who I am, which one of those things is the writing thing that I have previously talked about as well. I have learned that I can be my own type of writer.
In the past, I felt I had to not like the things that I like. I grew up loving “Sweet Valley High” and “The Babysitters Club”. I was told though these are girls things, which is such a cop out. Nothing on the planet is a “GIRL” thing until we act like it is. We give words, things, and life meaning. We do that. I was a person that loved other people regardless of what they did to me. I am someone that loved rainbows and unicorns. I can recall another person that used to be in my life that told me that if I wasn’t a “Gay male, I would be creepy.” To hear this from that person’s mouth was a lot. It was another time that someone I cared for told me that I should not be myself. I have too many stories about people telling me to not shine. I remember one more that I want to share. I remember my uncle telling me that I was not that good and nothing special when I got into a singing group called Harmony Highlights. I remember feeling deflated. I wanted someone to be proud of me, instead he defeated me. This happened throughout childhood. How does one feel like they are an okay person when they were told consistently that they were not good enough or special? It becomes a challenge. There are moments that I feel like I really don’t know myself because of these things.
I do like colorful things, I like pastels as well. I like thinking of the world is magical. I have told people in my real life that I still believe in Santa Claus. They have laughed until they hear me explain, which is that to me Santa is the magic of the season. It is that we help each other out during that time. This part of me that always has hope, believing the world can be great, and such, is a part of me. It is a beautiful part of me that shouldn’t be defeated. I want to embrace it. I recently painted my bedroom in the house that I bought in Fort Wayne. It was weird because I chose these colors that remind me of Christmas. There is an candy apple red on most of the walls and an accent wall that is a beautiful vibrant green color. I know that this is not a usual color choice. I want to eventually get a chandelier that has multiple colors from it with the lights coming from it. This is because I like it. This has been the biggest change for me in the last year, I am allowed to like things. This means loving the things that make me, well me. Loving who I am without having to apologize for it.
If I continue down this path, I will love myself more. I will be able to feel like I do not have to make other people happy by dulling myself. I have done that for so long. I remember being so quiet growing up. My family thought I was being well-behaved, but they never realized that I was scared. I was petrified of the life that I was in. The way that I was treated. I survived those dark days, but now I want to be able to stop trying to protect myself from those dark things and I want to thrive. I should be able to thrive since I have now gotten to a place of having some money, I have a good job, I have people in my life. I am worth taking this chance on loving myself. It will heal my soul, if I am kinder to myself.
This is the last intention post for this week and I have to say, I know I have shared parts of myself this week without censoring myself. These posts have all been free flowing without editing and without stopping myself from whatever I had to say. Most of my other content may be better edited and thought out, but these were about expressing myself with whatever come into my head and I did it. I accomplished saying something about all five without censoring what came into my head because I thought I should not share it or that it was a secret that had to stay in the dark. I may need to eventually share more details about some aspects of my life in the future, but I took a first step this week. I stepped forward.
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